Seeing exes move on

To say it in the words of Taylor Swift: we were never ever ever getting back together.

But still, it stings to see her with somebody else. Especially when they’re very public about it on social media. This ex and me are still very good friends so of course I still follow her on all of her social media, but on moments like this I wish I wasn’t.

I still care for her very deeply and somehow we will always loev each other. We just didn’t work in a relationship, it was too toxic. She is one of the most complicated people I ever met and I know I’m ‘better’ of without her. There was too much hurting. But I know she can not handle being alone. She jumps from relationship to relationship and it never lasts long. This is her fourth relationship in less than a year.

And I do wish her all the luck and I hope she can finally find the peace and happiness she so desperatly seeks. But she can not expect from me that this is a topic I would like to talk about with her or that I will like those relationship pictures. It’s too soon for me.

I wish it wasn’t bothering me so much.

Inability to say goodbye

When I tell people I hate saying goodbyes and I can not handle them, they answer they have it too and of course goodbyes aren’t fun. But they don’t understand it’s more than that for me. I get so invested in people, build intense friendships so easy that when they leave I feel a piece of me is missing. And then I feel devestaded because my friends are my family.

These last 8 months I became such good friends with a group of Erasmus students. I love meeting people from other countries and cultures. But I wasn’t prepared for the goodbyes. Seeing people leave to their own countries again is so hard. Because I met friends that feel like my soulmates and I never felt more myself than with these people. And now they will be thousands of kilometers away. Of course we’ll keep in touch but it’s not the same though. I’m torn between my happiness of meeting them and being angry why I let myself love these people so much when I know my inability to say goodbye.

The last one leaves in 10 days and I know I will fall in a black hole afterwards. Of course I have my friends from Belgium but somehow it doesn’t feel enough anymore. I’m trying to prepare for the loneliness and keep myself busy. I planned trips to visit some of them. I’m just so afraid of feeling empty again and falling apart. I’m on the edge for a long time now and I’m afraid this will be the last push.

A rollercoaster of a life.

The last few months has been so intense, again. It’s like my life will never be just calm and easy. I’m sure in a way I attract this drama and situations, but I don’t know how to stop it.

In february I started talking to my ex again to clear the air because we were both so tired of the bad vibes between us. We’re both persons that cannot leave a situation like that. Not far after that she had a psychose. She is on Erasmus in my city and I was the first person she texted that she needed help, that everything was falling apart. So of course I couldn’t do anything different than jump in the car and go get her. Because that’s what I do for the people I love. We went to the doctor, where she had a massive panic attack and everything became even worse. She wanted to kill herself.┬áSo we went to the hospital, to the psychiatric crisis department. They gave her medication and we agreed to try let her stay at my place for the moment, because she couldn’t be alone right now, and the mobile crisis team would come every day to check up on her.

That night things didn’t exactly were better. She started having bad hallucinations and panic attacks. The only thing I could do was holding her in my arms in a bed that was too familiar for both of us and hoping she wouldn’t completly disappear. Her behaviour became very childish and even the most simple tasks she couldn’t do on her own. She tried to shower but she had hallucinations and a panic attack in it, so even there I found her on the floor of the shower and needed to help her. I think it’s one of the most vulnerable images of her that are burned in my memory. It was breaking my heart to see her like this, I was ready to give my life for her.

When the mobile crisis team came they also saw that it was going worse than the day before. So we needed to get back to the hospital and they made the decision to keep her for a few days for observation. I contacted some friends of her who were also here on Erasmus and live with her in the residence. Thank god for them, because I couldn’t bear it on my own anymore.

Everything became even more complicated because my ex started talking about how much she regretted breaking up with me, that if she had the chance she would start over because she still loved me. Since we broke up I never stopped loving her, but I went through a very dark period because of the breakup and I was finally getting better again. But hearing her say that and taking care of her in this difficult time changed everything again. We both knew we still loved each other but I also told her this wasn’t the right time to discuss all of this. She needed to get better first, so we could be sure we were making a decision that was not caused by her situation in the hospital. But I promised her I would not go anywhere and stay with her the whole time. So 5 days I was in the hospital, every day and every free moment I had.

I felt that I was pushing my limits and I was not far from breaking. The situation gave flashbacks of my best friend who tried to commit suicide in highschool, having to deal with ex girlfriends visiting her in the hospital was hard, the break downs,… One day I completly broke down with a friend of me after I had been in the hospital the whole day. Not long after that her mother decided to come to Belgium from Spain, because she wasn’t doing better. Two days after that she could go home, but staying at the residence wasn’t really an option because it was too crowded. So I proposed she and her mother could stay with me for a while. And so it happened that my ex and her mother were living in my apartment. Everyone was saying I was crazy, but I would do it all over again if I needed it too.

Living together like that was hard and confronting, but at least she slept in my arms and found a little bit peace like that somehow. Even though she was still not well, we were growing closer to each other again. It was not physical, but we both knew we were not just friends or exes anymore. But the moments of crisis didn’t end. I remember how she tried to hurt herself many times and how her mother and I needed to hold her and how we needed to take away the knifes. It was hard communicating with her mother because she only speaks Spanish, but I was glad I wasn’t alone in it. After a small week of not much improvement, they decided to go back to Spain for a while, to get her back in a familiar place and to go to her psychiatrist. My hart broke the moment she left, but I knew it was the best for the both of us. At that moment I couldn’t voice it, but I was drained and broken. I needed rest and get my life in my own hand again.

After a week she came back, a lot better already. There were a lot of ups and downs the weeks after. A hard moment was when she was on a trip with a friend and she had a crisis again. It happend before but not with me, but she didn’t remember me anymore. When she has a crisis it happens a lot that she doesn’t remember some people. But for me is was devestating to experience the person I’m in a ‘relationship’ with not remembering me.

We both knew this relationship wasn’t really working, mostly because she was still recovering, but we were to afraid to say something and lose each other. After a while we had the talk about it though and we both agreed we were putting too much pressure on ourselfs with this relationshop, so we decided it was better if we stayed friends. And still on this day, two months later, we are friends. Of course sometimes it’s difficult. There is still some jealousy, we still slept together on a weekly bases (not sexually, just holding each other because it’s so comforting), sometimes I still miss being with her,… But we both know we made the right choice and I think we find peace in that. We know we will Always love each other and that’s okay, but sometimes love is just not enough.

Solotravelling

I was sceptical about this solotrip at first. I’m not in the best place emotionally and I didn’t know what effect being alone would have on me. But I learned that being alone is a very different thing from being lonely. 

Of course there are difficult moments because I’m out of my comfort zone. But you meet a lot of amazing people from all over the world. I ended up in a basement for a concert with two german people the first night. I went to a bar with a group English guys and a girl from Australia, where we did shots of Palinka in a bathtub. Every moment was such an exploration and gaining experience. 

I know it was the right choice to do this solotrip, I have the feeling it was the beste healing I’ve had in a while. It reminded me that my happiness isn’t depended on other people. Being alone is okay, I am okay. 

Is the hurting totally over? Of course not, I don’t think it ever will. But I can breathe again. I can go to sleep without fearing waking up with a panic attack. My last panic attack was over a week ago and that gives me so much hope. Hope that I’m not totally fucked up after all, hope that I can still fix myself.

This last two weeks I’m focussing on working my bucketkist and trying new thing. I did my first solotrip, I hosted for the first time two French couchsurfers,… I’m very busy these days but I’m reloading my batteries and damn does it feel good. 

Push back.

I’m at the airport right now, on my way to Timisoara (Romania). It’s with different emotions. Normally I was going to Rome with my ex today, but now we broke up she is going with her new lover and obviously I couldn’t stand to be on the same plane and stuff. 

But I also didn’t want to just stay home, I’m stronger than that. So I decided to do something that’s on my bucketlist for a while now: I’m going on a trip on my own. I need to do this for myself: pushing back en reinventing myself. I want to experience new things and to the fullest. Be open for meeting new people in a city I never been before. 

It hurts to know she is doing the trip we planned together with someone else and not even feeling guilty about it. But this is me trying to move on, trying to find myself again and maybe I can start getting over her when I go back home.

I’m a punchbag.

Yesterday I had a very good but confronting session with my psychologist. She told me I’m punchbag for all the people in my life, that I have no boundaries in my relationships (romantic or friendship). 

And she’s right. Only when I feel really bad I have the feeling I have a reason to cut people from my life. But the moment I start feeling better I start forgiving people so easily. I give people so many chances I lose count. What makes me also very vulnerable for abusive relationships. 

I don’t have a low self-esteem, not really. It’s just that I’ll always put other people before myself. I’ve learned growing up I’m a good distraction. When they pick me to bully or react their rage on, they don’t do it to someone else. And I know I can take it and it’s been an effective way to protect people I love. I know it’s very destructive for me, but it has become a reflex. 

Going so far for the people I love also has advantages, that’s why I keep doing it said my psychologist. I’ve build many deep friendships over the years because in many cases I’ve been the person who was there when no one else was around for them. And that’s why I now have friends who are there for me, day and night, whenever I need them.

The big question at the end of the session was: “Do I want to change that part of me?” Because yes sometimes it almost destroys me, but it’s also the reason I have my friends right now. So I don’t know the answer to that question myself. And how do I stop hurting myself so much with those situations if I don’t even know if I want to?

Empty.

I’m tired of feeling too much. Too much pain, too sad, too deeply,… 

Today was the funeral of my grandfather. It was a beautiful ceremony and I think the whole family was able to find some closure and peace. 

But at the end of the day, after crying so much because of my grandfather, it’s you who is wandering through my mind. I miss you so much. I missed your hand in mine today at the funeral. I miss knowing I could go home and everything would be okay. 

A part of me wants to run back at you and agreeing to be friends, which you want so badly. But I know I don’t want to be your friend and it would hurt me to pretend I could be at this point. 

I just wonder if you ever miss me like I miss you. If you ever cared for me as much like I still do for you. 

You have no idea about the kind of scars you left behind.