The last few months has been so intense, again. It’s like my life will never be just calm and easy. I’m sure in a way I attract this drama and situations, but I don’t know how to stop it.
In february I started talking to my ex again to clear the air because we were both so tired of the bad vibes between us. We’re both persons that cannot leave a situation like that. Not far after that she had a psychose. She is on Erasmus in my city and I was the first person she texted that she needed help, that everything was falling apart. So of course I couldn’t do anything different than jump in the car and go get her. Because that’s what I do for the people I love. We went to the doctor, where she had a massive panic attack and everything became even worse. She wanted to kill herself. So we went to the hospital, to the psychiatric crisis department. They gave her medication and we agreed to try let her stay at my place for the moment, because she couldn’t be alone right now, and the mobile crisis team would come every day to check up on her.
That night things didn’t exactly were better. She started having bad hallucinations and panic attacks. The only thing I could do was holding her in my arms in a bed that was too familiar for both of us and hoping she wouldn’t completly disappear. Her behaviour became very childish and even the most simple tasks she couldn’t do on her own. She tried to shower but she had hallucinations and a panic attack in it, so even there I found her on the floor of the shower and needed to help her. I think it’s one of the most vulnerable images of her that are burned in my memory. It was breaking my heart to see her like this, I was ready to give my life for her.
When the mobile crisis team came they also saw that it was going worse than the day before. So we needed to get back to the hospital and they made the decision to keep her for a few days for observation. I contacted some friends of her who were also here on Erasmus and live with her in the residence. Thank god for them, because I couldn’t bear it on my own anymore.
Everything became even more complicated because my ex started talking about how much she regretted breaking up with me, that if she had the chance she would start over because she still loved me. Since we broke up I never stopped loving her, but I went through a very dark period because of the breakup and I was finally getting better again. But hearing her say that and taking care of her in this difficult time changed everything again. We both knew we still loved each other but I also told her this wasn’t the right time to discuss all of this. She needed to get better first, so we could be sure we were making a decision that was not caused by her situation in the hospital. But I promised her I would not go anywhere and stay with her the whole time. So 5 days I was in the hospital, every day and every free moment I had.
I felt that I was pushing my limits and I was not far from breaking. The situation gave flashbacks of my best friend who tried to commit suicide in highschool, having to deal with ex girlfriends visiting her in the hospital was hard, the break downs,… One day I completly broke down with a friend of me after I had been in the hospital the whole day. Not long after that her mother decided to come to Belgium from Spain, because she wasn’t doing better. Two days after that she could go home, but staying at the residence wasn’t really an option because it was too crowded. So I proposed she and her mother could stay with me for a while. And so it happened that my ex and her mother were living in my apartment. Everyone was saying I was crazy, but I would do it all over again if I needed it too.
Living together like that was hard and confronting, but at least she slept in my arms and found a little bit peace like that somehow. Even though she was still not well, we were growing closer to each other again. It was not physical, but we both knew we were not just friends or exes anymore. But the moments of crisis didn’t end. I remember how she tried to hurt herself many times and how her mother and I needed to hold her and how we needed to take away the knifes. It was hard communicating with her mother because she only speaks Spanish, but I was glad I wasn’t alone in it. After a small week of not much improvement, they decided to go back to Spain for a while, to get her back in a familiar place and to go to her psychiatrist. My hart broke the moment she left, but I knew it was the best for the both of us. At that moment I couldn’t voice it, but I was drained and broken. I needed rest and get my life in my own hand again.
After a week she came back, a lot better already. There were a lot of ups and downs the weeks after. A hard moment was when she was on a trip with a friend and she had a crisis again. It happend before but not with me, but she didn’t remember me anymore. When she has a crisis it happens a lot that she doesn’t remember some people. But for me is was devestating to experience the person I’m in a ‘relationship’ with not remembering me.
We both knew this relationship wasn’t really working, mostly because she was still recovering, but we were to afraid to say something and lose each other. After a while we had the talk about it though and we both agreed we were putting too much pressure on ourselfs with this relationshop, so we decided it was better if we stayed friends. And still on this day, two months later, we are friends. Of course sometimes it’s difficult. There is still some jealousy, we still slept together on a weekly bases (not sexually, just holding each other because it’s so comforting), sometimes I still miss being with her,… But we both know we made the right choice and I think we find peace in that. We know we will Always love each other and that’s okay, but sometimes love is just not enough.