Opening up again.

Opening up again after my last relationship hasn’t been easy. I feel very deeply and I have been hurt so much it physically hurt. Dealing with that heartbreak took a lot of time. I’ve been seeing people in the meanwhile but never allowed someone close enough to really make me feel something romantically. I pushed them away, I wasn’t ready or we just didn’t fell in love. I wasn’t ready to open up my heart again. Until now.

We met each other five and a halve weeks ago on a trip with my gay husbands (an Italian and latvian guy who are absolutely amazing). She was one of the friends that came along with the Italian one. We connected from the first night. We thought at first it was just something sexual and we were just having fun. But after a few days we started to realize we actually really liked each other, more than just sexually. We were both not looking for this at all, but it happened anyway. Of course it scared me because I was still in this complicated situation with my ex girlfriend and the girl I was currently living with.

On top of that we were both, mostly she, afraid of getting too involved because of the distance. She is from Italy and I’m from Belgium. I don’t think it has to be a problem, but of course it sucks to be so far away from each other. I believe that long distance relationships can work for a while, but at one point someone needs to move or you’ll break up.

This weekend I went to visit her in Italy and I really loved spending time with her. But it’s also super scary because I feel that I’m very slowly falling in love. It scares the fuck out of me because I don’t want to get hurt again. There was a bit drama too. She feels that I’m getting more invested and it scares her too, because she’s not entirely over het ex-girlfriend. Which I totally respect and I’ll give her all the space and time she needs. It sucks to hear of course, but I understand because I’ve been there.

But I’ve opened up and for me it’s not really an option to turn my back on her now. And she doesn’t want that either. I know she struggles with it and that she cares about me, but it’s not that simple of course. We decided that we won’t put a label on what we are, that we just feel good with each other and we’ll see where it goes. I left with a good feeling and when she kissed me goodbye I felt she meant it.

Maybe I need this time too, to close the wounds that still bleed from time to time. But I really like her and I’m happy she is the one that is able to get through this wall of blocking emotions. She will visit me in january or february and we’ll where it goes.

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Is love enough?

I’m so confused about everything I’m feeling lately. My lovelife feels like a big mess and I know it’s my own fault. 

Since end of July I’m kinda dating this amazing girl. She’s intelligent, kind, creative, beautiful communicative,… Everything you would think I need in a partner. But somehow we both haven’t fallen in love with each other by now. We love each other deeply and we care for each other, but we’re not in love. We don’t know exactly why. I think we’re both blocking it a bit, partly because we’re still stuck in our romantically feelings for our exes. In the end it’s good we’re both in the same situation and nobody is getting hurt. But it’s an unusual situation of course. Because we act like we’re dating: romantic dinners, seeing the sunset together, laying in each other arms while listening to music, we have sex,… We both feel great with each other. We define as friends but it’s working. 

But last week things changed a bit. I went to Spain to visit my ex, we stayed friends after we broke up. I was there five days and damn, they were so so beautiful. We reconnected on a deep level and the love we both still feel for each other came very confronting to the surface again. We both realized how in love we still are with each other, even after all these months. I totally thought she was over me as she was dating this other girl and never said anything to me about how she really felt. But now she told me she never felt the same as with me and she was desperately seeking that kind of love with someone else to get over me but it just never was the same with those people. 

I was shook. Over the summer I forced myself to go forward and stop torturing myself with these feelings for her. Everything she told me in Spain now changes everything again. We know we love each other so incredibly much and we do see a future together, but we’re so scared. This failed already twice, how do we know our love will be enough this time? It feels like it can be the most beautiful or the most stupid adventure together. But I know we need to take things slow and we need to break our patterns of mistakes from the last times. 

Going home on monday broke my heart. I cried all day. It felt so weird to come home to this romantic dinner with this other girl from home. I had a big talk with both of them because open communication is so so important and I don’t want to hurt anyone. Because it doesn’t feel right to turn my whole life around just because this big conversations in Spain. I need time. So we all decided I will keep seeing this girl in the way I did before at home, but my ex and I will slowly try again. It’s a super weird situation but it feels like the right thing to do now. Also to break those patterns with ny ex and not put too much pressure on us this time. Because that killed our relationship twice already. I don’t know where this road will go but I’m ready to follow my own path this time.

Seeing exes move on

To say it in the words of Taylor Swift: we were never ever ever getting back together.

But still, it stings to see her with somebody else. Especially when they’re very public about it on social media. This ex and me are still very good friends so of course I still follow her on all of her social media, but on moments like this I wish I wasn’t.

I still care for her very deeply and somehow we will always loev each other. We just didn’t work in a relationship, it was too toxic. She is one of the most complicated people I ever met and I know I’m ‘better’ of without her. There was too much hurting. But I know she can not handle being alone. She jumps from relationship to relationship and it never lasts long. This is her fourth relationship in less than a year.

And I do wish her all the luck and I hope she can finally find the peace and happiness she so desperatly seeks. But she can not expect from me that this is a topic I would like to talk about with her or that I will like those relationship pictures. It’s too soon for me.

I wish it wasn’t bothering me so much.

Inability to say goodbye

When I tell people I hate saying goodbyes and I can not handle them, they answer they have it too and of course goodbyes aren’t fun. But they don’t understand it’s more than that for me. I get so invested in people, build intense friendships so easy that when they leave I feel a piece of me is missing. And then I feel devestaded because my friends are my family.

These last 8 months I became such good friends with a group of Erasmus students. I love meeting people from other countries and cultures. But I wasn’t prepared for the goodbyes. Seeing people leave to their own countries again is so hard. Because I met friends that feel like my soulmates and I never felt more myself than with these people. And now they will be thousands of kilometers away. Of course we’ll keep in touch but it’s not the same though. I’m torn between my happiness of meeting them and being angry why I let myself love these people so much when I know my inability to say goodbye.

The last one leaves in 10 days and I know I will fall in a black hole afterwards. Of course I have my friends from Belgium but somehow it doesn’t feel enough anymore. I’m trying to prepare for the loneliness and keep myself busy. I planned trips to visit some of them. I’m just so afraid of feeling empty again and falling apart. I’m on the edge for a long time now and I’m afraid this will be the last push.

A rollercoaster of a life.

The last few months has been so intense, again. It’s like my life will never be just calm and easy. I’m sure in a way I attract this drama and situations, but I don’t know how to stop it.

In february I started talking to my ex again to clear the air because we were both so tired of the bad vibes between us. We’re both persons that cannot leave a situation like that. Not far after that she had a psychose. She is on Erasmus in my city and I was the first person she texted that she needed help, that everything was falling apart. So of course I couldn’t do anything different than jump in the car and go get her. Because that’s what I do for the people I love. We went to the doctor, where she had a massive panic attack and everything became even worse. She wanted to kill herself.┬áSo we went to the hospital, to the psychiatric crisis department. They gave her medication and we agreed to try let her stay at my place for the moment, because she couldn’t be alone right now, and the mobile crisis team would come every day to check up on her.

That night things didn’t exactly were better. She started having bad hallucinations and panic attacks. The only thing I could do was holding her in my arms in a bed that was too familiar for both of us and hoping she wouldn’t completly disappear. Her behaviour became very childish and even the most simple tasks she couldn’t do on her own. She tried to shower but she had hallucinations and a panic attack in it, so even there I found her on the floor of the shower and needed to help her. I think it’s one of the most vulnerable images of her that are burned in my memory. It was breaking my heart to see her like this, I was ready to give my life for her.

When the mobile crisis team came they also saw that it was going worse than the day before. So we needed to get back to the hospital and they made the decision to keep her for a few days for observation. I contacted some friends of her who were also here on Erasmus and live with her in the residence. Thank god for them, because I couldn’t bear it on my own anymore.

Everything became even more complicated because my ex started talking about how much she regretted breaking up with me, that if she had the chance she would start over because she still loved me. Since we broke up I never stopped loving her, but I went through a very dark period because of the breakup and I was finally getting better again. But hearing her say that and taking care of her in this difficult time changed everything again. We both knew we still loved each other but I also told her this wasn’t the right time to discuss all of this. She needed to get better first, so we could be sure we were making a decision that was not caused by her situation in the hospital. But I promised her I would not go anywhere and stay with her the whole time. So 5 days I was in the hospital, every day and every free moment I had.

I felt that I was pushing my limits and I was not far from breaking. The situation gave flashbacks of my best friend who tried to commit suicide in highschool, having to deal with ex girlfriends visiting her in the hospital was hard, the break downs,… One day I completly broke down with a friend of me after I had been in the hospital the whole day. Not long after that her mother decided to come to Belgium from Spain, because she wasn’t doing better. Two days after that she could go home, but staying at the residence wasn’t really an option because it was too crowded. So I proposed she and her mother could stay with me for a while. And so it happened that my ex and her mother were living in my apartment. Everyone was saying I was crazy, but I would do it all over again if I needed it too.

Living together like that was hard and confronting, but at least she slept in my arms and found a little bit peace like that somehow. Even though she was still not well, we were growing closer to each other again. It was not physical, but we both knew we were not just friends or exes anymore. But the moments of crisis didn’t end. I remember how she tried to hurt herself many times and how her mother and I needed to hold her and how we needed to take away the knifes. It was hard communicating with her mother because she only speaks Spanish, but I was glad I wasn’t alone in it. After a small week of not much improvement, they decided to go back to Spain for a while, to get her back in a familiar place and to go to her psychiatrist. My hart broke the moment she left, but I knew it was the best for the both of us. At that moment I couldn’t voice it, but I was drained and broken. I needed rest and get my life in my own hand again.

After a week she came back, a lot better already. There were a lot of ups and downs the weeks after. A hard moment was when she was on a trip with a friend and she had a crisis again. It happend before but not with me, but she didn’t remember me anymore. When she has a crisis it happens a lot that she doesn’t remember some people. But for me is was devestating to experience the person I’m in a ‘relationship’ with not remembering me.

We both knew this relationship wasn’t really working, mostly because she was still recovering, but we were to afraid to say something and lose each other. After a while we had the talk about it though and we both agreed we were putting too much pressure on ourselfs with this relationshop, so we decided it was better if we stayed friends. And still on this day, two months later, we are friends. Of course sometimes it’s difficult. There is still some jealousy, we still slept together on a weekly bases (not sexually, just holding each other because it’s so comforting), sometimes I still miss being with her,… But we both know we made the right choice and I think we find peace in that. We know we will Always love each other and that’s okay, but sometimes love is just not enough.

Solotravelling

I was sceptical about this solotrip at first. I’m not in the best place emotionally and I didn’t know what effect being alone would have on me. But I learned that being alone is a very different thing from being lonely. 

Of course there are difficult moments because I’m out of my comfort zone. But you meet a lot of amazing people from all over the world. I ended up in a basement for a concert with two german people the first night. I went to a bar with a group English guys and a girl from Australia, where we did shots of Palinka in a bathtub. Every moment was such an exploration and gaining experience. 

I know it was the right choice to do this solotrip, I have the feeling it was the beste healing I’ve had in a while. It reminded me that my happiness isn’t depended on other people. Being alone is okay, I am okay. 

Is the hurting totally over? Of course not, I don’t think it ever will. But I can breathe again. I can go to sleep without fearing waking up with a panic attack. My last panic attack was over a week ago and that gives me so much hope. Hope that I’m not totally fucked up after all, hope that I can still fix myself.

This last two weeks I’m focussing on working my bucketkist and trying new thing. I did my first solotrip, I hosted for the first time two French couchsurfers,… I’m very busy these days but I’m reloading my batteries and damn does it feel good. 

Push back.

I’m at the airport right now, on my way to Timisoara (Romania). It’s with different emotions. Normally I was going to Rome with my ex today, but now we broke up she is going with her new lover and obviously I couldn’t stand to be on the same plane and stuff. 

But I also didn’t want to just stay home, I’m stronger than that. So I decided to do something that’s on my bucketlist for a while now: I’m going on a trip on my own. I need to do this for myself: pushing back en reinventing myself. I want to experience new things and to the fullest. Be open for meeting new people in a city I never been before. 

It hurts to know she is doing the trip we planned together with someone else and not even feeling guilty about it. But this is me trying to move on, trying to find myself again and maybe I can start getting over her when I go back home.